Tuesday, Aug. 03, 2004 10:51 p.m.

Paranoid
Today Kenneth is:

I’m a bit weary, a bit tired, in-fact I’m shattered.
My mind is active but my body is old.
I’ve got some new drugs from the doctor to be taking as well as the other ones I have.
Just these are meant to keep me awake.
I keep falling asleep. I’m so tired these days. I had my blood tested and the blood count is low so that’s why I got more drugs.
I’m really stressed at the minute, MJ is keeping me on the road I need to be, and I’m glad, really glad that I have her to talk to, sometimes I don’t want to open up and sometimes I don’t want to talk to her and I try to shut her out of the stuff getting on my nerves, but its hard because she kinda makes me talk about them…in a good way, she knows when I’m upset and not.
I’m so worried about this all not working, and she keeps saying to me to stop rushing around and just slow down and see where it takes us.
I’m that frightened of failing that I try to put everything under lock and key so I won’t. I’m that bad I try to achieve everything before I need to.
I’m paranoid…
I say to her a lot that I worry, she tells me to live for today, not tomorrow, and she’s right about that. I just have to learn how to do it.
I don’t know when I’m meant to go to the next stage, or what the next stage really is.
I’m really bothered I’m gonna screw up and I really don’t want to.
If I keep waiting for myself to screw up I really will.
Every time I say something to her, (apart from I Love You) I always regret it thinking I’ve screwed up.
It’s like I read something in her voice like she is sighing inside thinking ‘not again’. I don’t know, I said I’m paranoid.
I need sometime out I gotta go to bed and sleep.