Saturday, Sept. 11, 2004 1:01 a.m.

I Just Can't Remember Now...
Today Kenneth is:

I keep meaning to write in here, a lot has been going on since I last wrote in here.
Trivial stuff I guess you could stay.
Oh I got Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic, completed in 33hours.
Not Bad, damn game times how long it takes you to play it, doesn’t my head in because it makes you want to play it again and complete it quicker.

Only 10 days until Star Wars DVD’s are out.
I finally come back home from being at Mum’s, don’t feel any better now I’m home, still stressed.

Spent a lot of time with MJ since I got back, I went to her house yesterday evening at 8pm and its now 12.34am the next day and I’m back, we just sat up and talked then I came home.
She thinks I’m defensive on certain topics in my life, and she’s right, I guess I do get defensive.
Sometimes I hate it when we get into deep meaning conversation, where we talk about our life’s, and our past, things that happened and things that destroyed part of ourselves.
When I talk to her about when I took that overdose, or when I spilt up with Kate, I get this lump in my throat, and I get defensive and close of myself, I distance myself from the conversation.
She seems to understand pretty well, but I always start to wonder how long it is before she leaves me standing here on my own again.
I’ve said to her that I can’t go through another break up like I did with Kate and I’ve said that it could destroy what I’ve learn and still am learning.
But then when we talk about it, I don’t want to talk about it because I feel it taints things.
Because she sometimes says she’ll be there to hold my hand when I need her, and I have to bite back my response of “Yeah and Kate also said the same, where is she now eh?”
It’s not her fault, she’s only being the woman I fell in love with, I just drive myself into an emotion turmoil with myself.
I think so many thoughts and scenarios at the same time, and then when I do it I convince myself to stop it and just live the day as it comes.
Sometimes I can and sometimes I just make myself sick with worry.
As much as I force myself not to think that, I still do, is it a Kenneth thing or just a man thing to think like that?
I’ve been in some relationships where I didn’t care what happened, I didn’t care if they left, if they did then so what.
Some women I’ve been with and not really loved, thought I loved, but never loved them. I don’t know.

I know I love her, I know I don’t want to lose her.
I know I’m scared, I know I’m ready for something different.
I know I worry too much and not worry enough.

Sometimes she does things that get on my nerves and I want to tear my hair out in frustration and scream and stamp my feet at her, and when I get like that, I always think of when I lost Kate, because I’m sure I did my fair share of feet stamping. So now I don’t, instead I bite my tongue and I say nothing.

MJ is also the one woman that I can not predict, or get angry with.

I remember when Kate called me another blokes name in a certain moment of passion and I flew of at the deep end , I went mad, and I made damn sure she knew it!
With MJ…if she did that, might as well forget flying of the deep end, the typical type of response I would get from her would be “Get of your horse and calm down, talk to me when your being an adult!”
Makes you kinda stop in mid sentence, reason with yourself and then talk civil and sort it out.
We’ve only ever got in a bust up once…I think I was throwing a temper fight…let me tell you, I’ve never done it since.

She’s a very mysteries woman that makes me want to get to knew her better, she’s always there, she’s always very passionate in every thing she does in life, and there’s always something she does that makes me fall even deeper for her.
But having said that, it was there with Kate.
I guess because what happened with Kate and I, I’m to frightened to fully give myself to the relationship.
I thought I had, but it looks like there is still work for me to do…
I should go to bed, I know I’m 21, I know I’m meant to be a mans man
But I think tonight I'll spend the evening tucked up with my fluffy rabbit.
I just need to crawl back into my own little safe bubble for now.
I feel like a child who’s pet dog just died, and the stupid thing is…I’ve put myself in this position…for what, I just can't remember now...