Thursday, Sept. 30, 2004 10:27 p.m.

Its Like A Story Of Love
Today Kenneth is:

I think MJ and I had a bust up today, thou I don’t know why.
I think she took offence that I wanted to keep my hair shaven.
Yeah it got shaven for reasons I cant be bothered to talk about.

I said I wanted to keep it this way and she just gave me then “Fine!” answer and said she had to go and logged off line.
She didn’t even say she loved me.
She’s still in Canada for another week, but that kinda hurt. Maybe I’m being childish, you cant expect someone to say they love you. But I always try to make sure I say that I love her before I go somewhere, even when I’m in a foul mood.
I’m being childish aren’t I?

My biggest problem is the tint on my life from leaving Kate.
I remember when Kate was going out with her now husband, and I didn’t know about it, and I remember saying to her that I loved her and she didn’t respond, I remember after a couple of weeks, I said to her, that she never says she loves me, and I asked why, and she lied, but to cover herself she said it at a later time to keep my suspicions at bay.
I go through life (thou I’m getting better at it) with this thought that its going to repeat itself all over again.

MJ always says later after she’s gotten over whatever it is that is troubling her, that she is sorry she puts me in a bad mood when she snaps at me.
Its not that she puts me in a bad mood, I just look and sound long faced because I don’t know what to say to her.
I’m moulding myself into something I’m not. I seem to have lost my voice.
I’m not saying I’m not happy, because I am extremely happy, but since Kate and I spilt, I just go along with whatever the woman in my life wants at the time, I don’t have the power to say “No!” or to tell them that what they are doing is pissing me off and I have a right to be angry and whatever is, and give a reason why.
Everytime MJ is upset, I comfort her, everytime she snaps me head of and bends it backwards I don’t say anything, I let her do it and I forbid myself to have an argument.
I bite my tongue because everytime that I feel like I’m going to explode at something she just did to me, I keep hearing Kate tell me I never listened and put all her dreams second best, and I shut up and just tell MJ that I’m not going to have an argument and we get on with whatever it is we need to do.
She thinks I’m still in love with Kate, and it makes me want to scream because I know full well I’m not in love with Kate, I just don’t want to lose her the same way I did Kate, I really care for MJ, and I’m happy for the first time in a very long time.

But if I would to have this conversation with her, she keeps thinking I’m trying to break up with her because I cant cope with her, I can cope with her, and I do love her, more than I show to everyone, because I’m a guy, we don’t let on we are madly in love.

There is a lot swimming around in my head, and has been for a week or so, there is a lot going on really quickly in our relationship, things I’m having to give thought to that I didn’t in the past, and I enjoy this life.
I enjoy spending it with someone I love.
When I come to writing this, I don’t see that its her that’s got the problem… I think its me.
Maybe I need to talk to my counsellor next time I see him.
I must be eating myself away with my own stupid demons.