Sunday, Oct. 17, 2004 1:41 p.m.

I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself
Today Kenneth is:

I don’t really think there is anything important to say today.
I’ve come home instead of spending time with MJ, I don’t think we’re seeing eye to eye right now.
Well I think she needs someone to talk to, and its not me she needs to talk to.
But shes going out with a friend, so I thought if I came home early she would be able to talk to her friend and get off her chest what she needs to

Its funny because you seem to think (we’ll some of us guys do) that when you’re the boyfriend you can make everything ok again, that just by taking her into your arms and telling her its ok and letting her get it off her chest is going to make it better.
Hey guys, it doesn’t ok, well it doesn’t always anyway.

I think MJ thinks I do everything for her, I don’t know. Maybe I do.
I just do because I love her.
But you see I don’t understand it well.
I could go shopping with Kate and carry all her shopping, pack it, load unload the car, take it in the house and put it all away and finish by making her a cuppa coffee and that was ok.
I do this with MJ and its not good enough, she’ll rebag the bags reput everything on the store convey belt because I’ve loaded it wrong, followed by the “I’m 26 years old, I can look after myself!” talk.
Maybe I need to just let her do it all herself, but then when I do that I feel so bad that I’m just standing there doing nothing for her.
She says she needs time to herself, maybe she does, maybe I need time to myself, but I feel empty without her, she gives me the love I need and the air I need.
But I’ve managed to claw myself along life’s path before there was her, maybe I can do it when she needs this space. She’ll let me know what she needs when she needs it I’m sure.
I couldn’t sleep last night, I knew something was wrong. Didn’t get to sleep until about 2am this morning.
I’m really tired but I still cant sleep.
There’s something in the back of my mind, and I don’t think that I like it.
There’s something there that I can not put my finger on what it is, but I’m sure I’ll get to find out, and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to like it either.

I had to call my Mum and moan, its really a pain in the arse when something goes wrong and you gotta go home, on the way your just in bits, got this stupid lump in my throat, fucking tears in my eyes and I’m trying to look all fucking manly like nothing is bothering me.
I can’t do public, I just get on with it and deal with it when I get home.
I refused myself to get upset until I had gotten home.
I don’t know why I do it, I just never did allow myself to argue, cry, or whatever outside the comfort of being indoors.
I know it embarrasses me, I was saying to Mum that everytime MJ and I, or even Mum and I are about to argue or whatever in town, shopping etc. I will immediately stop the argument dead and refuse to do it.
Normally when Mum and I get home all hell breaks lose and we will have that argument.
Thou with Mum if we argue in public, I just get embarrassed, with MJ if we do it I feel like I’m her child.
I know she says she doesn’t treat me like a child, she treats me like an adult, but they way she is with me is the way I am with Maddison, the kinda in charge position.
It seems really stupid but I think I’ll bring it up with my counsellor when I next see him because its clearly a problem I have and need to get under control.
I’m feeling really restless right now, and normally when I’m like this I go play a game, so I’ve downloaded the demo of DOOM 3, gonna kill a few bad guys and I know that’s gonna make me feel a lot better, it always does when I get in this ‘don’t know what to do with myself’ mood.

I got one of the catalogues for the “Blue Harvest” project I have gone on, yeah looks expensive, Only problem is, is that the shop is in London, so I have to decide what I need, then when I down in London, I have to go about ordering it and such. Bloody hell, one of the items in this is £728.000… yeah sod it, I’ll have two thanks!
I just hope that in light of MJ and I being a bit off colour today I don’t have to cancel the Harvest.
Anyway I’ve gone on enough I need to eat dinner first, and I’m really pissed, because I just washed my clothes and didn’t notice that I just put my cell phone in my pants that I washed…. I’m so fucking pissed off I need a strong drink...