Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004 12:38 a.m.

Day One Baby Talk
Today Kenneth is:

Well MJ and I finally had to go to the hospital yesterday. I still feel sick from it all, I don’t know why, or what’s making me stressed.
I just feel tight knotted inside.
Long before I came onto the scene, MJ has wanted a baby, however timing of when the doctors decided to do something about this wasn’t good, as was about two weeks into our relationship.
We went to the hospital on Monday of this week to see what needed. Basically Day One of trying for a baby has just begun.
Although it was nothing to stressful and just involved the doctor talking to both of us and finding out what MJ wants, I felt way out of my depth on this, far from my comfort zone.

It’s a wonderful idea talking about having children, but when it moved on from there, and its not talk anymore and its now actions, things can get different.
So far MJ and I have talked about this and what happened before we met and why she wants a child, and they are all valid and fine reasons, but I seem to have hit this invisible ran, and inside of trying to climb over it, I’ve decided to panic because of it.
I have no idea what I’m feeling right now, or why I’m feeling it.
If having children is what MJ wants I have no problem with it, but at the same time I do have problems with it, problems that I don’t even know what they are.
I don’t even feel like I have the right to feel this way because its her dream its one of her ambitions and I don’t want to feel in the way, and I do, and I cant make sense of myself.
Its screwed this really is. Children really are wonderful, and I’d be a very lucky man if we did have children. But I don’t know what I want, or what I can cope with.
But this is not about me, this is about MJ. But at the same time we are partners so its about getting the balance right, but then again I don’t want her to feel like I’m stamping my feet, because I know she doesn’t need me for this, she can do it herself.

I don’t know, I’m so confused, I had an awful night sleeping last night, and I cant seem to settle tonight either.
I just don’t know where up and down are right now.
But I know things will sort themselves out in the end one way or another. I just hope I can make sense of feelings I don’t understand.