Sunday, Nov. 21, 2004 11:45 p.m.

Choices Choices
Today Kenneth is:

I think there comes points in relationships where choices and decisions have to be made, and some of them have to be made by yourself, no one but you can make them for you. MJ and I have one, I had a decision I have to make, only I can do it and I don’t want to have to.
I’ve had to make this decision once already when I was a single man, now doing it a second time around with the woman you love by your side makes it even harder.
God I love her, I love her a lot, sometimes I just gotta look at her and I’m melting away inside, I’d do anything she asked me to do, anything within my power to give I would give without question to her.

I stopped taking testosterone when I met her, for reasons that unique to our relationship.
I’ve now been off them for about four months, and I’ve hot a snag, I had a “time of the month” yesterday, and its killing my body today and tonight, playing havoc with my insides.
I have an appointment with the Nurse this Friday and I can go back on the hormone if I want, however I stopped taking them because I can do something for my partner if it goes wrong for her, I know that doesn’t make sense, but to me it makes every sense.
If I take my hormones again and something happens to her, I can not help her, if I don’t take them, I have a chance of being able to put it right, or at least do something.
All this is killing my mind and my emotions.
I don’t want her to think its all her fault and its her doing, ok so I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing this before she was there, but its because I love her so much that I’d halt my life for her.
I also know emotional turmoil would tear me apart if I go back on the hormones and something does so wrong, and I had a chance to do something about it but choice the hormones.
This really is tearing at me piece by piece by piece, and I shouldn’t have to do this, and its me that’s causing this to myself, out of love for her I’m ripping myself apart.
I’ve been here before I know, different situation but same emotional turmoil, and I remember what happened last time.

I need some sleep I have a 5hour exam tomorrow that I know I’m going to crash and burn in. I’m really going to fail it, I cant get my head around half of it, and I’m tired, screwed and in some serious pain at the moment.
Fucking time of the fucking month...