Saturday, Jan. 08, 2005 12:50 a.m.

Therapy
Today Kenneth is:

I went with MJ to go see: A Series Of Unfortunate Events.
Oh my god, its awful, it really is crap.
In typical Little Britain style, I yelled "I dont like!"
I almost fell asleep at one point, there’s just nothing decent about the film at all.

I spoke to Kate today on the phone, I didn’t understand something that I was asking her so she called to explain it and to have a general chat.
I felt awful because I cant remember the date Mom died.
Mom being Kate’s Mom, I just still ref to her as Mom because I loved her too.
Kate finally sees I’m different now and she said so, and that pleases me to know that she knows I’m not the Kenneth I once was with her.
I grow up and started to love and care for the people I love these days.
I was talking to her about MJ and she told me about Keith.
I told Kate that I’d took up smoking and why.
Oh yeah by the way, I’m smoking at the minute, stress thing.
I have to smoke this packet that I have and then stop.
It just got a little to much for me recently and I to just calm back down again.
I hope she forgives me for this, and I hope I keep a level head about this.
It’s so difficult to trust, it’s so difficult to not let your head run of with your thoughts and your mind.
Part of me tells me to stop acting a prat and the other part tells me that I have good reason to be like I am, and the other bit of me tells me to let go.

Why am I the only one that sees this, why do I feel this way.
Why does everyone else, keep smiling, patting me on the head and telling me not to be silly.
How many times do I have to say, that its not silly, its just me being scared.
How many more lumps in my throat do I need to gulp back.
I feel these tears well up and press against my eyes and I force them back.
I’m tired now, I’ve not slept well for a few days.

Now the pain turns the anger and I hurt now and I want to grind my teeth.

I’m going for a diary swap going to write in one of the others